Script: Vernon

VERNON

A play for radio by Lobby Derkins

Scene One

FX: Jangly indie guitar pop music plays, song ends

 PRESENTER: And there we have the new single by Brighton band the Sarahs, what a great sound. Next up we have an unusual album by an unusual artist, Vernon P Skelly. Tell us a bit about him.

REVIEWER: Vernon P Skelly is a part-time gardener from a little town in Ohio, I think it is, who makes these extraordinary weird cassette recordings of his music in his mother’s kitchen. A local indie label released a tape of his they found in a thrift store, which in turn made its way to Bud Di Baggio, the famous producer. Di Baggio had Vernon travel to New York to record this LP on his label, Proviso Records. Apparently it was the first time he’d ever left his hometown.

PRESENTER: Try and describe the music if you can, for our listeners; I understand he plays drums and sings.

REVIEWER: Not so much drums as percussion: he beats a cardboard box while he sings - or shouts, I suppose would be a more accurate way to describe it. It’s a very urgent, almost primal sound he achieves.

PRESENTER: And some of the song titles are rather bizarre: My Chair Is Wobbly, for example, or Mom Says She’s Poorly Today.

REVIEWER: Yes, he seems to write largely about everyday, banal events that happen to him, a sort of poetry of the mundane. The effect is very powerful and immediate. 

PRESENTER: Well let’s hear a sample of his music: this is Vernon P Skelly singing his own composition I Hate My Dinner from his album Vernon out this week on Proviso.

FX: Arrhythmic box-pounding accompanied by anguished cries and mumbling

PRESENTER: Emotional stuff, very emotional. It does, dare I say, beg the question whether he might require medical assistance…

REVIEWER: Well Bud Di Baggio does say in the album liner notes that Vernon found it difficult at times to continue recording, and that he would even struggle to locate the studio each morning - but in the end that’s what makes this record all the more powerful, that sense of raw fragility.

PRESENTER: Fragility, yes. And he does look remarkable - actually very handsome in a haunted sort of way. It reminds me a bit of that Chinese tramp who accidentally looked like a catwalk model. Do you remember him?

REVIEWER (laughing): Yes, he was very funny.

PRESENTER: I hear Vernon’s coming to the UK for a promotional tour this month?

REVIEWER: That’s right: he’ll be playing the Poultry Exchange in Manchester on the 25th, Knutsford University on the 26th and then two nights at the Ham and Leper in Camden over the bank holiday weekend, before he hits the Betfred Diversity stage at the Fresh festival on Anglesey. 

PRESENTER: Well we look forward to that. I do hope he’ll be alright though, that someone will look after him while he’s here…

Scene Two

 FX: Busy interior airport ambience 

FEMALE PROMOTER: Over here, Vernon, this way! ….Vernon!…Mr Skelly! Oh it’s no use, he’s wandering off in the wrong direction - come on, let’s get him. 

FX: Jogging footsteps 

FEMALE PROMOTER: Vernon P Skelly - stop! Hi, we’re from Proviso Records, we’ve come to take you to your hotel. Don’t you have any luggage, not even a jacket?

VERNON mumbles something

MALE PROMOTER (posh): Hey, travellin’ light - that’s so amazing! How was your flight, Vernon?

VERNON mumbles again

MALE PROMOTER: Sorry? I didn’t catch that.

VERNON (American accent)(clears throat): It’s Ver-non, my name’s pronounced Ver-non. (to rhyme with Vermont or Le Bon)

MALE PROMOTER: Oh, Ver-non, right, that’s a great name. So was the flight okay?

VERNON mumbles

MALE PROMOTER: Sorry?

VERNON (clears throat again): They had a magazine on the plane. All the seats had a magazine in a basket, every single one.

MALE PROMOTER (laughing): Magazines, yeah! That’s funny, dude.

FEMALE PROMOTER: Come this way, Ver-non - the car’s over here.

FX: Footsteps continue as they speak, airport ambience slowly fades

VERNON mumbles and hums distractedly

MALE PROMOTER: So you’ve got a lot of fans over here in the UK, quite the fan club. Some pretty ladies too, you looking forward to meeting them?

VERNON mumbles, snorts and sniggers

MALE PROMOTER: I bet you are. We just love your album to death, man. My favourite song is I Saw Bernadette…

VERNON screams hysterically, high-pitched

FEMALE PROMOTER: What is it, Ver-non? Everything’s alright.

VERNON (agitated): I didn’t see Bernadette, I didn’t see Bernadette! It’s a lie, I was lying…I was bad….I was bad!

FEMALE PROMOTER: Sorry Ver-non, he didn’t mean to upset you. We just think it’s a great song, that’s all.

MALE PROMOTER: Who is Bernadette?

VERNON screams again

FEMALE PROMOTER:  Okay, okay, Ver-non, calm down - look here’s our car. 

FX: Footsteps stop

VERNON mumbles

MALE PROMOTER: Come again?

VERNON (clears throat): It’s not a yellow car at all.

MALE PROMOTER: Haha, good one - classic, mate! Oh, you have to get in the other side: we drive on the left hand side of the road here, so the driver sits on the right.

VERNON screams

MALE PROMOTER: Haha, what a ledge! I can already tell this is going to be a wicked tour!

FX: Car doors slam shut, car drives off

Scene Three

FX: Mobile phone rings

FEMALE PROMOTER: Hello. Oh hi Bud….. Yeah, everything’s alright…. Yes, we picked him up from the airport and checked him in to his hotel….No, no problems….He seemed a bit daunted and confused, but then I guess it’s the first time he’s ever travelled abroad or been on a plane…We’re picking him up at 4 for the soundcheck, and then he has a couple of interviews before the gig….No, I won’t let him wander off; I’ll make sure he’s okay….He doesn’t have a phone so I’ve given him one so he can call his mother, cause he was anxious to speak to her….sure thing, bye Bud.

Scene Four

FX: Hall ambience

SOUND ENGINEER (tapping microphone over PA): One two…one two. Okay, and what instruments need mic’ing up? 

FEMALE PROMOTER: He plays an empty cardboard box. I’ve brought one along, here  - I’ll make it up. 

FX: Sound of packing tape being stuck to box, box being hit a few times

FEMALE PROMOTER: There you go Ver-non, here’s your box.

VERNON mumbles

FEMALE PROMOTER: Sorry?

VERNON (clears throat): It ain’t the same as my box, it won’t sound right. My box has a picture of oranges on it.

MALE PROMOTER (laughing): Oranges, love it! Nice one, Vern.

FEMALE PROMOTER: But the picture doesn’t change the sound, Ver-non. This box sounds similar enough.

VERNON screams and whines

FEMALE PROMOTER: Calm down, everything’s cool, relax. Look, we can’t get your box because you left it in America, but this one sounds really beautiful.

FX: Box being hit a few times

VERNON (agitated): No it doesn’t! I hate it! I ain’t gonna play it unless it’s got a picture of oranges on it!

MALE PROMOTER (laughing): Classic! 

FEMALE PROMOTER (sighs): Are you any good at drawing?

MALE PROMOTER: Me? Nah, not for the life of me - I can’t even draw a stick man: I’m art-dyslexic.

FEMALE PROMOTER (exasperated): Oh god, I’ll draw some oranges myself, give us a pen.

FX: Sound of squeaky marker pen on cardboard

FEMALE PROMOTER: Here are your oranges; what do you think of them, Ver-non, aren’t they pretty?

VERNON squeals with delight

SOUND ENGINEER: Are you ready with that box? Let’s have a blast of it.

FX: Box beaten randomly

MALE PROMOTER: Wow, that is so amazing! Tonight is going to be a killing gig. 

Scene Five

MALE PROMOTER: You ready to rock n roll, Vern? They’re waiting for you: listen.

FX: Door opens, sound of audience in hall calling “Vernon, Vernon”, door closes

VERNON mumbles

MALE PROMOTER: Sorry?

VERNON (clears throat): I ain’t gonna stand on no stage, there’s too many people, I’m scared. Besides, they ain’t saying my name right.

FEMALE PROMOTER: A bit of stage fright is normal, Ver-non, gets the adrenalin flowing. You’ll be fine once you start playing, trust me.

VERNON: Uh-uh. I ain’t going out there. I’m gonna play right here.

FEMALE PROMOTER: You can’t play here: all these people have come and paid money to see you. They’re your fans, they love you. And anyway you have to play into those microphones on stage, otherwise no one will be able to hear you.

VERNON: Uh-uh. They can bring the microphones right in here, I ain’t going out.

FEMALE PROMOTER: Ver-non, be reasonable now.

VERNON screams

FEMALE PROMOTER (sighs): Okay, okay. We’ll set the bloody mics up in here.

MALE PROMOTER (excited): Wicked! That is so off the wall. You’re a genius, Vern.

FX: Sound of audience, hall ambience

MALE PROMOTER (over PA): Ladies and gentlemen, there’s been a change of plan, Ver-non will be performing for you from his dressing room backstage. 

FX: Audience murmurs, eventually starts applauding and whooping

MALE PROMOTER: So without further ado, please put your hands together and give a big UK welcome to Mr Ver-non P Skelly!

FX: Audience cheers, Vernon keens and beats his box

FEMALE PROMOTER: Unbelievable - they love it.

MALE PROMOTER: What’s not to love? The guy’s an amazing artist!

Scene Six

FX:Mobile phone rings

FEMALE PROMOTER: Bud, how are you?…Yes, it all went great: Ver-non was too shy to go on stage the first night, so he played in the dressing room, but the audience didn’t mind, in fact they liked it all the more….I know, right?…..And then the second gig he did go on stage but he made the audience turn their backs to him, which they also loved; in London he went one further and wouldn’t enter the venue: he performed on top of a bus shelter across the road from it. The press called it the best rooftop performance in London since the Beatles…..Yes it was incredible….And finally at the festival in Wales he started playing on stage but he had a breakdown during the first number and started calling for his mum, saying he missed her. All these girls got up on stage and started hugging and consoling him; the crowd were chanting his name, it was very moving; he really touched a nerve. So yeah, I’d say it’s been a raging success and we ought to get some good sales off the back of it. Now all that’s left is to see him off at the airport and make sure he doesn’t miss his flight….

Scene Seven

FX: Busy interior airport ambience

FEMALE PROMOTER (anxiously): He’s been in the gents for over 10 minutes now: do you think something’s happened to him?

MALE PROMOTER: Stop worrying, Vern’s cool. We’ve still got plenty of time before the gate closes. He’s probably just cooling his heels in the toilet bowl, the way he does.

FEMALE PROMOTER: Oh I don’t know, the queue at security is really long, it might take a while. I’m getting a little nervous, you know what he’s like. 

MALE PROMOTER: Give him a ring.

FEMALE PROMOTER: I’ve got his phone - he already gave it me back. Will you go and check on him, see that he’s alright? Please.

MALE PROMOTER: If you insist, though I hate to interrupt a man doing his business.

FX: Footsteps walking away

FEMALE PROMOTER (to herself): Come on Ver-non, this is the last hurdle, let’s just get you on that plane.

FX: Running footsteps approach

MALE PROMOTER (short of breath): He’s not in there! I checked every cubicle.

FEMALE PROMOTER: Oh god! Where could he have got to? Quick, you run and have a look around the shops - I’d better wait here in case he comes back.

MALE PROMOTER: Okay.

FX: Footsteps running off

FX: Mobile phone rings (different ringtone to previous one)

FEMALE PROMOTER (to herself): It’s Ver-non’s phone. I’d better answer it, perhaps he’s lost and he remembered the number. (clears throat) Hello?

YOUNG GIRL (American accent): Is daddy there?

FEMALE PROMOTER: Who’s daddy? I think you’ve got the wrong number, sweetie.

YOUNG GIRL: My daddy, Ver-non. This is the number he calls me from.

FEMALE PROMOTER: Ver-non is your daddy? Ver-non has a daughter…um, he’s not here right now; I wish I knew where he was, to be honest. 

YOUNG GIRL: Oh. Well can you tell him to bring me a hat with the British flag on it, the one that’s all crissy-cross red and blue. And Tommy wants a soccer shirt, he says anyone but Totten-ham.  

FEMALE PROMOTER: Tommy is your brother?

YOUNG GIRL: Uh-huh.

FEMALE PROMOTER: And daddy lives with you and mummy?

YOUNG GIRL: Uh-huh. Tell him if they don’t got a pink hat with the British flag then white, and if they don’t got white, then blue. 

FEMALE PROMOTER: Does daddy work when he’s at home?

YOUNG GIRL: Uh, I guess…he quit teaching music, I don’t know what he does now. I gotta go, bye.

FX: Phone line is cut off

FX: Running footsteps approach

MALE PROMOTER (short of breath): Found him! He was watching the orange-juicer machine at the cafe over at the other end of the terminal, weren’t you, Vern?

VERNON mumbles

MALE PROMOTER: Sorry?

VERNON (clears throat): Real pretty oranges, just like the ones on my box.

MALE PROMOTER: You’re a card, mate. One of a kind!

FEMALE PROMOTER: I see. Well we’d better get going, you don’t want to miss your flight, Ver-non. I’m sure you’re eager to get home to your mother, aren’t you? After all, she’s the only family you have. Isn’t that right? I mean it’s not as though you’ve got a wife and kids and a job as, say, a music teacher.

MALE PROMOTER (laughing): Ha! Can you imagine? That’d be mental. Alright Vern mi amigo, it’s been sensational. Give us a hug! We’ll see you next time, we’re gonna miss you man.

FX: Hugging, back-slapping sounds

FEMALE PROMOTER: Well if he gets a hug I want one too. 

VERNON (whispers): How did you find out?

FEMALE PROMOTER (whispers): Your daughter called. She wants a pink Union Jack hat, by the way, and a football shirt for Tommy. Why the crazy man routine?

VERNON (whispers, speaking faster than previously): It’s a meal ticket - yours too. I was sick of making peanuts as a teacher, and twenty bucks a night beer money in covers bands so I figured I’d try acting nuts: as you saw for yourself, they love it. They love how vulnerable I am. Please don’t tell anyone.

FEMALE PROMOTER (whispers): I won’t.

MALE PROMOTER: Come on lovebirds with your sweet nothings, break it up. 

FEMALE PROMOTER: Alright then Ver-non, you join the queue here and then you have to walk to Gate 19. Don’t get lost in the Duty Free, okay? Here’s your passport and your boarding card - hang on to them tight and don’t lose them. Give our love to your mother. Bye Ver-non!

VERNON: I’ll give my passport straight to mommy - she don’t never lose nothing.

MALE PROMOTER: Oh and Vern you mad coot: 

VERNON: Huh?

MALE PROMOTER: Bernadette!

VERNON screams , promoters laugh

                                 END