Tomorrow's News Summary

TOMORROW’S NEWS SUMMARY

World

Prime Minister Sir Jacob Rees Mogg met President Timberlake and other heads of state today at the Middle East peace summit in Geneva, as they try to sort out a ceasefire in NATO-occupied territories and a halt to illegal Israeli settlements, which have now reached the suburbs of Tehran. 

Extremist protestors outside the summit complex held placards denouncing NATO’s use of unprovoked nuclear strikes on civilians, but they were safely removed and deported before breakfast was served, thought to include rashers made from Li-Li, the very last panda bear, who died last week at Guantanamo.  

UK

Leader of the opposition Tommy Robinson has called for a boycott of Betfred, after one of its employees was photographed without a remembrance poppy. The betting company, who recently purchased the NHS and the National Grid, said the offending employee has already been neutralised. 

Betfred are also said to be preparing a takeover of Soylent Green, the sole remaining meat producer.

Sport

England have failed to qualify for the Google World Cup after a disappointing 0-0 draw with Nagorno-Karabakh means they finish bottom of Group H. Manager Harriet Kane told reporters she was thrilled to have finally ended England’s record-breaking losing streak. 

Weather

Severe storms are expected to continue throughout the British Isles; waters in the submerged areas of Essex and Kent are likely to be choppy. Temperatures drop to a high of 46°C, possibly reaching 49°C in Northern Scotland.