Script: Dr. Bethany

DR. BETHANY

A 30-minute play for radio

Scene one

FX: interior ambience

DR TOUCHER (with Scots accent): So here we are, madam, here’s your prescription: a wee spoonful of lingonberry extract twice a day, and three drops of zirconium dilute with your meals. That comes to thirty-nine pounds ninety-nine plus the consultation fee, which makes two hundred and thirty-nine pounds and ninety-eight pence altogether. 

FEMALE PATIENT:  Gosh, it’s, er… rather more than I’d expected…

DR: TOUCHER: Well I’m afraid guaranteed natural, traditional medicine does not come cheap - these products are hand-sourced, not made by factory drones working for Big Pharma, you know. You can’t afford to take your chances with a serious condition such as yours.

FEMALE PATIENT: Of course. It’s just that I-

DR. TOUCHER (interrupting): Card or cash?

FEMALE PATIENT: Oh, er… card. I was saying-

DR: TOUCHER: Insert the card here please

FEMALE PATIENT: Oh ,sorry… here. I-

DR TOUCHER: Thank you. If you stick to the instructions I’m sure your hiccups will clear up in no time. Would you like to keep your receipt?

FEMALE PATIENT (flustered): Er… no thanks. (She hiccups)

DR TOUCHER: Good day, madam.

FEMALE PATIENT: Er…

FX: telephone rings

DR: TOUCHER (walking away): Bethany, could you answer the phone while I show Mrs Tomkinson to the door

FEMALE PATIENT: It’s Tomlinson

DR TOUCHER: Goodbye, Mrs Tomkinson

FX: footsteps, shop door bell dings, door shuts

DR. BETHANY (clears throat): Hello, Nature Knows natural health clinic.

MRS BRAGANZA (through phone, with posh accent): Oh hello. May I speak to Dr Bethany please?

DR BETHANY: Speaking; how can I help you?

MRS BRAGANZA: Hello. My name’s Mrs Braganza, I spoke to your colleague Dr Toucher this morning, who told me I should speak to you about an appointment, a house call. You do do house calls, don’t you? 

DR BETHANY: Er, I don’t normally but I suppose I can in theory. Are you unable to walk to the clinic?

MRS BRAGANZA: Oh I can walk perfectly well dear, but I don’t think I ought to: I’m too fragile.

DR BETHANY: Have you injured yourself? I don’t really deal with injuries as such.

MRS BRAGANZA: No no, it’s not an injury, it’s my health: I think I’m about to die.

DR BETHANY: Um, I really think you ought to call 999 and get an ambulance to take you to hospital, madam. I’m afraid this is not an emergency service, I -

MRS BRAGANZA:  Oh I’ve already been to hospital, I spent all day there yesterday. A fat lot of use they are: they told me I was a hypochondriac, and I should stop wasting their time. They’ve been telling me that every week for years. They know nothing: all they are any good for is doling out pills and plasters to ignorant couch potatoes who stuff their faces full of McDonalds every day. And their ghastly children are even worse, don’t you think?

DR BETHANY: I-

MRS BRAGANZA: Exactly. Those jumped-up gurney pushers who call themselves doctors nowadays don’t know how to treat a body-soul misalignment like mine. I’ve hired all the best specialists, and I can assure you they do not come cheap. What I need instead is someone with a more natural approach, a ballistic approach. 

DR BETHANY: I think you mean holistic.

MRS BRAGANZA: I’m glad you agree. I don’t care about the call-out fee, money is not the issue; I’m happy to pay whatever premium - I may die at any moment. Do you think you can help me, Dr Bethany?

DR BETHANY: Well, I-

DR TOUCHER (interrupting): Give me your address while she gets her coat on.

                                                     

FX: low, monk-like chanting

Scene two

FX: doorbell rings, small dog yaps, door opens

MRS BRAGANZA: Dr Bethany, thank god you arrived so quickly, I could already feel the light fading around me. Don’t mind Oodles, his bark is worse than his bite.

DR BETHANY: Don’t worry, I’ve heard fiercer barks.

MRS BRAGANZA: I would offer you tea but I daren’t go in the kitchen because there’s a terrible miasma in there that interferes with my breathing and settles behind my ears. It’s quite debilitating, I’m not sure I can cope with it, but I can offer you some sardines instead if you’d like? There’s a good half a tin left on the floor that Oodles didn’t finish yesterday. 

DR BETHANY: No I’m fine, thanks.

MRS BRAGANZA: Or a coconut if you’d rather? I could bash it open for you on the doorstep. 

DR BETHANY: Really, I’m fine, I’ve already had lunch. Let’s get you comfortable and see what we can do, shall we?

FX: footsteps on creaky floor, settling into sofa

Now then, what seems to be the matter? Try to describe your symptoms, Mrs Braganza.

MRS BRAGANZA: Well it’s everything at once really; I feel so dreadfully confused and emotional, nervous one moment, drowsy the next. I’m pretty sure my chakras have been knocked out of joint, probably by my ex-husband, the Duke of Luton. I imagine he has a voodoo doll of me somewhere, which he sticks pins into.

DR BETHANY: Your ex-husband is a duke - doesn’t that make you a duchess?

MRS BRAGANZA: Well I already was a duchess before I married him anyway.

DR BETHANY: I see. May I ask your age, Mrs Braganza?

MRS BRAGANZA: Well…if you must know, I’ll be 50 this year, although I don’t see how it could possibly be of any relevance.

DR BETHANY: And do you suffer from any other ongoing complaints? Diabetes, back pain, epilepsy, menopausal symptoms-

MRS BRAGANZA: Really! These are very personal questions, Dr Bethany. I should think not; my ailment is a more metaphysical one: my soul yearns.

DR BETHANY: Right. Have you tried therapy in the past? Many people find meditation useful, they find it helps them stop talking. You could pop along to the Thoughfullessness workshop we run at the clinic on Tuesdays and Thursdays? 

MRS BRAGANZA: Oh I’ve tried the lot: I was kicked out of meditation class for snoring because I kept falling asleep, and kicked out of the Tibetan Gong Bath because poor Oodles barked every time they banged a gong, and apparently some of the bathers complained that they couldn’t relax or something ridiculous. (puts on babyish voice) And then you did a poo-poo in the water, didn’t you, you naughty boy… 

FX: dog wheezes and grunts

DR BETHANY: Hmm…well if you’ve been feeling very emotional and crying a lot lately, it will be because you are eating too much ordinary table salt, so your body is releasing it through your tear ducts. What you need to do is switch to Babylonian rock salt, which is yellower, meaning it has more yang, which destroys cancer cells by surrounding them with negativity until they crack. It may be a little pricier but it evens out in what you save on tissues, what with all that crying. 

MRS BRAGANZA: I knew it, I knew it. I could feel that something was drawing me towards the colour yellow but I didn’t know why.

DR BETHANY: Our bodies know, Mrs Braganza - we just have to learn to listen sometimes. Also, I’m going to put you on a honey detox. Honey is important for natural balance because when bees produce honey their buzz resonates at a frequency that imbues the honey molecules with cleansing vibrations, and when these are consumed they purify the human body of toxins such as chlorine, kerosene and strontium 90.

MRS BRAGANZA: Of course.

DR BETHANY: I use only organic Abkhazian bladderwort honey, since it’s the most resistant to GMO cross-pollination; in 250-milligram capsules of honey concentrate, six times a day. I find it gives me a boost in the late afternoon, after my vitamin C injection starts to wear off but before the sarsaparilla pills kick in.

MRS BRAGANZA: Ah, at last the words of an expert, I feel better already!

DR BETHANY: And finally, I’m going to give you some arsenic pills. 

MRS BRAGANZA: Miss Dr Bethany! I don’t want help in ending my life, I want you to cure me.

DR BETHANY: You misunderstand, Mrs Braganza: these are homeopathic pills, they kickstart your immune system if the dose is small enough. Arsenic is good for unhappiness. Here, read the instructions on the packet while I use your bathroom if I may.

MRS BRAGANZA: Of course, it’s through there on the left, past the stuffed megatherium.

DR BETHANY: Thanks, I won’t be a minute.

FX: footsteps, Mrs B hums absent-mindedly and potters about, toilet flushes, door opens, footsteps

DR BETHANY: Now then, you’ll be changing your salt and taking your honey pills six times a day, right?

MRS BRAGANZA: Salt, honey. Got it.

DR BETHANY: And your arsenic pills…where are they?

MRS BRAGANZA: Oh they’re here. I was going to take one, but I didn’t like the taste of it so I spat it out. 

DR BETHANY: You did what, you spat it out? 

MRS BRAGANZA: Well actually I just licked it a bit, didn’t feel right so I gave it to Oodles - he’ll eat anything.

DR BETHANY: Oh my god. Mrs Braganza, you may have taken an overdose, we must call the hospital! With homeopathy less is more: the lower the dose, the more effect it has, and you’ve just taken far too little. 

MRS BRAGANZA: But…but can’t I just take another one now?

DR BETHANY: I’m not sure, you’re not supposed to….I don’t know whether two doses so close together will trigger something else….

MRS BRAGANZA: And what about Oodles, can dogs take arsenic?

DR BETHANY: Oh I don’t know….I need to call Dr Toucher, he’ll know what to do: he was born on a ley line.

 FX: telephone dialling tone

 Oh Finlay, something awful has happened. I think my patient has taken an overdose of homeopathic arsenic….should I get an ambulance, what should I do? …..she licked a pill and then gave it to her dog…(muffled sound of Toucher talking)…you’ll come over straight away? Oh thank you Finlay, thank you.

Scene three

FX: repetitive low chanting, occasional hand bells

WOMAN: Wolfsbane, for prowess on the battlefield

SEVERAL: Wolfsbane

MAN: Ragwort, for success in the hunt

SEVERAL: Ragwort

WOMAN: Arnica, for small cuts and bruises

SEVERAL: Arnica

Scene four

FX: doorbell rings, dog yaps, door opens

DR BETHANY: I’m so sorry Finlay, I didn’t know what to do.

DR TOUCHER: Don’t worry Bethany, she’ll be alright. Where is she?

DR BETHANY: This way… 

FX: footsteps, groans in background

DR TOUCHER: Mrs Braganza. Finlay Toucher, pleased to meet you. I believe we spoke on the phone.

MRS BRAGANZA: Am I going to die, Dr Toucher? Give it to me straight.

DR TOUCHER: We’re all going to die, Mrs Braganza, although some of us more easily than others, depending on the purity of our gene pool, but I shan’t bore you with that now - let’s set your mind at ease for the time being. Dr Bethany, fetch me one of the vials from my case over there, would you?

DR BETHANY: Which vial? They all contain different things.

DR TOUCHER: It disnae matter, any one will do, I’ll explain why later, it’s very complicated. (sound of fumbling in a bag) Thank you. Now I’m going to give you a wee drop of this antidote, I want you to be a good girl and swallow it in one go.  (she gulps it down) There we go, all done. No more arsenic poisoning. 

MRS BRAGANZA: Thank heavens! But what about Oodles, doesn’t he need an antidote too?

DR TOUCHER: Och no, he’ll be right as rain. A fine pedigree such as young Oodles here is made to withstand such things. 

FX: dog wheezes and gasps

Now you’ll find your common mongrel mutt is not so strong as a result of canine miscegenation, leading to a less pure, less natural race with weakened genes. A similar thing occurs in all species - including humans - but I don’t expect you to understand the science of it, Mrs Braganza. 

MRS BRAGANZA: I may not understand it, but I know a wise man when I see one. You’ve been so good to me, and I didn’t even offer you so much as a cup of tea - I feel revived enough to brave going into the kitchen.

DR TOUCHER: I don’t touch tea - it is a vice, and vices are for feeble-minded social deviants: they interfere with our natural balance and pollute our indigenous culture.

MRS BRAGANZA: I quite agree. Coffee?

 FX: low, monk-like chanting

Scene five

FX: keys opening door; door opens and closes, footsteps

DR BETHANY: Yoo-hoo, I’m home.

BOYFRIEND: Hi hun, how was your day?

DR BETHANY: Oh, interesting, I suppose you could say. For a moment I thought I’d killed a patient with an overdose of arsenic, but fortunately Finlay came to the rescue.

BOYFRIEND: Not for the first time - it’s not been a week since he put out that fire you started with a Hopi ear candle. Fancy a cuppa?

DR BETHANY: I could murder a burdock and cowslip, thanks love. I don’t know what I’d do without Finlay; he is so knowledgable. 

BOYFRIEND: Is that because he was born on a ley line, do you think?

DR BETHANY: Probably. He says my aura is purple. 

BOYFRIEND. Is that dangerous?

DR BETHANY: Not at all, it’s a good thing - it means I’m highly attuned to my surroundings. Purple vibrates at a very sympathetic wavelength.

BOYFRIEND: Well that’s great news then. Why the long face?

DR BETHANY: Oh I don’t know…it’s just sometimes I feel like I’m out of my depth, like I don’t fully understand some of the science behind natural remedies - or at least not in the way Finlay does: nothing seems to faze him. 

BOYFRIEND: Cheer up babe - I thought you told me that intuition was the most important thing - more important than analysis. Perhaps Dr Toucher is simply better at remembering facts because his aura has a different colour to yours. Maybe his is yellow, for instance, or black.

DR BETHANY: Don’t be ridiculous! No one has a black aura. Except for communists, and maybe muslims. 

BOYFRIEND: Dr Toucher doesn’t like muslims very much, does he?

DR BETHANY: What makes you say that? Finlay’s not a prejudiced man.

BOYFRIEND: Perhaps it’s the way he refers to them as saracens.

DR BETHANY: You must remember that Finlay’s something of a history expert, so he likes to use historical terms.

BOYFRIEND: Yes he does like his history - last time he came round he spent an hour telling me how the introduction of marijuana was responsible for the degradation of the Northern bloodline, since it made European women susceptible to seduction by dusky types. 

DR BETHANY: Like I said, he is so knowledgable.

BOYFRIEND: I’m sure he is, but he does seem to have a very particular take on the nature of, er, Nature.

DR BETHANY: So you think Finlay is some sort of crank, is that what you’re trying to say? Well I can assure you that the University of Thule doesn’t hand out a degree in autochthonous culture preservation to any old ‘crank’.

BOYFRIEND: No, of course not.

DR BETHANY: You know, sometimes I get the feeling you’re a teensy bit jealous of Finlay…

Scene six

FX: chanting, hand bells

WOMAN: Brother Finlay, are you a servant of Nature, and Nature alone?

DR TOUCHER: It is so.

MAN: Brother Finlay, are you prepared to fight impurity wheresoever you may find it?

DR TOUCHER: I be so. 

WOMAN: Then drink from the chalice, my child.

DR TOUCHER (sips): I have drank…drunken…er, taken drink.

WOMAN: Now you are one of us. All rise for Brother Finlay.

SEVERAL: Brother Finlay.

MAN: And here’s your degree certificate, congratulations!

DR TOUCHER: Thank you professor, it’s a great honour.

Scene seven

FX: shop door dings open, footsteps

DR BETHANY: Morning Finlay.

DR TOUCHER: Good morning, young Bethany. And how are we today?

DR BETHANY: Fine thanks. Um, what happened to the sign on the door - what are all those funny symbols?

DR TOUCHER: Those are runes, Bethany. I’ve replaced the Latin characters with runes.

DR BETHANY: But that way nobody will be able to read it.

DR TOUCHER: Think again: that way true natives will be able to read it.

DR BETHANY: And we want only true natives to read it? I’m afraid I don’t know how to read runes.

DR TOUCHER: We’ll get to that yet, young lady. You still have much to learn about the ways of Nature. Speaking of which, I’ve made you an appointment with the Albion Dowsing Board on Wednesday, so we can get you your dowsing certificate once and for all. You will have to buy a divining rod though, and I’m afraid they’re no the cheapest but I can deduct the cost from your next consultancy fees. 

DR BETHANY: Oh, okay. Aren’t divining rods just twigs - how can they be expensive?

DR TOUCHER: Ah Bethany, you do ask the sweetest questions. But you have heart, and that’s what I love about you. 

DR BETHANY: But-

DR TOUCHER: Let’s forget about that for a moment - what are we going to do about this pesky reporter from the Rational Practitioner?

DR BETHANY: Is that the man you were arguing with on the street the other day?

DR TOUCHER: The man is a lunatic, an agent of the multicultural globalist media cabal.

DR BETHANY: What were you arguing about?

DR TOUCHER: Och he has some farfetched notion about the inefficacy of nettle soup as a malaria preventative - never mind about the details, it’s petty. I’d like you to talk to him, use your soothing influence to calm him down and get him to leave us in peace. I have important business to attend to today; I’ve already told him you’ll be in touch.

DR BETHANY: But I just don’t know enough about malaria, I couldn’t possibly talk to him, I wouldn’t know what to say. Please Finlay, I really can’t.

DR TOUCHER: Nonsense, you’ll sweet-talk him using your feminine intuition. After all, you do have a purple aura, which is very special…

DR BETHANY: Well if you really think so…

DR TOUCHER: Is my name Finlay Toucher?

DR BETHANY: Yes…

DR TOUCHER: Well then I do. Anyway I must dash: things to do, people to see - work fortifies the blood, Bethany. Oh, and if Lady Neuron calls to pick up her hemlock prescription, it’s on the middle shelf in my office, between the brimstone and the death cap mushrooms. Cheers!

DR BETHANY: Bye then…

DR TOUCHER: Oh, and Bethany

DR BETHANY: Yes?

DR TOUCHER: Always look after yourself - we need you in good condition.

FX: shop door dings and shuts

DR BETHANY (to herself): What does that mean; who’s ‘we’?

Scene eight

SEVERAL (chanting, getting faster): Brother Finlay, brother Finlay, brother Finlay, brother Finlay…

DR TOUCHER: I serve to protect the purity of Avalon and its children! AVALON!

Scene nine

FX: alarm clock rings, is switched off

BOYFRIEND (groans sleepily): Ugh, is it that time already?

DR BETHANY: I had a horrible, weird dream. Finlay was in it, he was shouting…I wonder what it means.

BOYFRIEND (yawns): It probably means you’re thinking too much about work.

DR BETHANY: Please don’t remind me about work, yesterday was a nightmare.

BOYFRIEND: Why, what happened yesterday?

DR BETHANY: Oh I had to talk to a journalist from the Rational Practitioner about malaria prevention. It was awful: he kept asking me all these questions that I didn’t know how to answer. I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

BOYFRIEND: Well how come Dr Toucher left you to it - surely it’s his job to talk to reporters, not yours? He’s supposed to be the expert.

DR BETHANY: He said he had business to attend to.

BOYFRIEND: He always seems to have something to attend to. Perhaps he was off picketing Radio One again for broadcasting ‘electronic music of non-indigenous origin’…

DR BETHANY: You make it sound almost sinister; he feels strongly about the Natural Order, that’s all.

BOYFRIEND: Whatever that is: surely if electronic music is unnatural, so is electric lighting - and computers, for that matter: and where would his business be without them?

DR BETHANY: Oh I don’t know, it’s all a bit confusing, sometimes I don’t know what to think…

BOYFRIEND: Aw, chin up, babe. Come on, I’ll make you a nice strong cup of organic chicory root while you get ready.

DR BETHANY: Thanks love, not too strong though, it does get me buzzing.

FX: mobile phone rings

DR BETHANY: It’s Finlay calling, I hope nothing’s wrong - he never calls me before work. (answers phone) Hello Finlay, what’s up? 

DR TOUCHER (FX: angry mob noise in background): Bethany, I need you to do me a small favour on your way to the clinic. 

DR BETHANY: Oh? 

DR TOUCHER: Do you remember that lady you treated the other day, Mrs Braganza?

DR BETHANY: Of course I do - is she alright? 

DR TOUCHER: As right as she’ll ever be. Listen, I want you to go over to her house and look for a wee packet of tablets I left there: it must have fallen out of my case and slipped down her sofa. Hopefully her dog hasnae get to it. It’s very important that you find it - it’s a plain black packet without a label. But don’t tell her about it: she disnae need to know, she’ll only worry. Tell her you’ve come to check up on her, to make sure there are no symptoms of arsenic poisoning. Charge her a fee while you’re at it, she can afford it - it can go towards your dowsing certificate costs. 

DR BETHANY: Oh Finlay I don’t know, this is all very mysterious, I’m not happy about it. What kind of tablets are they?

DR TOUCHER: I can’t tell you that over the telephone, Bethany. These techno-bolsheviks have ears everywhere. Please just do as I say - I’ll explain it all properly later.

DR BETHANY: Okay… but just this once. I’m supposed to be a Natural Health consultant, not some sort of sleuth. 

FX: mob noise grows louder

 Where are you? I can hardly hear you.

DR TOUCHER: Outside Broadcasting House, things are just kicking off. Call me when you’ve got the tablets. Got to go now (line is cut off)…

DR BETHANY sighs

BOYFRIEND: What did Dr Toucher want?

DR BETHANY: He wants me to go back to a patient’s house and look for a packet of tablets, but it’s all very secretive. Oh, I don’t like it, there are things he’s not telling me about; I have butterflies in my stomach and I don’t know why.

BOYFRIEND: I’m sure Dr Toucher would say it’s because Mercury’s in retrograde…

DR BETHANY(alarmed): Is it?

BOYFRIEND: Well, for example. I don’t know the first thing about astrology, it’s all a load of-

DR BETHANY: I knew it! There’s always a reason, it’s only logical.

BOYFRIEND: But-

DR BETHANY: Anyway, I’d better go and see if I can find Finlay’s mystery pills. No time for breakfast, I’ll have to eat my fermented yak’s milk yoghurt on the bus. Wish me luck.

BOYFRIEND (kisses): See you later…

Scene ten

FX: chanting intensifies, backwards voices

                                               

MAN: Lost child

WOMAN: We have sought you so long

MAN: It’s time to come home

WOMAN: Home is where you belong

MAN: Home is calling you 

WOMAN: For it is you and you alone:

SEVERAL(whispering): Bethany! Come, come, come, come…

Scene eleven

FX: doorbell rings, door opens, dog yaps

MRS BRAGANZA: Why, Dr Bethany, what a pleasant surprise. What brings you back?

DR BETHANY: Hello Mrs Braganza. It’s nothing to worry about at all: I was in the area and I thought I’d come and see how you were doing, just a follow-up call. I won’t charge you, needless to say. May I come in?

MRS BRAGANZA: But of course, that’s so very thoughtful of you.  Follow me: you’ll have to walk around the table because I’m afraid Oodles has made rather a mess; he doesn’t seem to have enjoyed the rum truffles I gave him for breakfast. It can’t have been the Werther’s, because absolutely everybody likes them.

DR BETHANY: Er, not to worry…

FX: footsteps, settling into sofa

MRS BRAGANZA: Right then. So a follow-up call, you say; how nice, I do like answering questions about me. Unless they’re, you know, personal.

DR BETHANY: Nothing like that, just to see about your medication. 

MRS BRAGANZA: Good. I hate to say it but doctors these days are nothing but sex maniacs, the questions they ask and the places they expect to put their fingers - and it’s all perfectly legal, you know.

DR BETHANY: Er…

MRS BRAGANZA: This is what our taxes get spent on: pornographers with stethoscopes. The least they could do is switch the lights off while one’s unclothed and vulnerable; it’s indecent. If I let them have their way they’d be shining lights on areas of my body even the Duke of Luton didn’t get to see.

DR BETHANY:  Right. So, no more mishaps with your arsenic pills, I trust?

MRS BRAGANZA: No. (rustles packaging) As you can see I’ve been taking two a day - that leaves eight of them.

DR BETHANY: Oh no, please tell me you didn’t, I don’t believe it…. Mrs Braganza, those are not the arsenic pills! Where did you find that black packet?

MRS BRAGANZA: Oodles found it behind the sofa cushions, I naturally presumed they were my pills….

DR BETHANY: Oh my God, why is this happening to me again!? 

MRS BRAGANZA: But I don’t understand. And I assure you I feel better than ever, there’s no doubt about that.

DR BETHANY(whimpering): No….no… 

FX: telephone dialtone

… Finlay, it’s me. (muffled sound of Toucher) Mrs Braganza has been taking the pills from the black packet, she thought they were her arsenic pills…(muffled voice gets louder) ….less than half the packet….yes…I will, bye. 

FX: monk-like chanting becomes manic

WOMAN: Brother Finlay, where is the girl?

MAN: The girl you promised us

WOMAN: Without her there is no light

MAN: Without her the circle remains broken

MAN and WOMAN: Without her there is no return to AVALON!

FX: doorbell rings, loud impatient knocks, dog yaps

MRS BRAGANZA: Yes yes, alright, I’m coming. (opens door) Dr Toucher, there’s no need for that.

DR TOUCHER: Get out of my way, you stupid woman! (she shrieks) Do you realise what you’ve done?

MRS BRAGANZA: I…

DR TOUCHER: Where is she? Where’s Bethany?

DR BETHANY: I’m here, Finlay. Now are you going to tell us what all this is about? What are those pills in the black packet?

MRS BRAGANZA: He’s gone mad, he’s like a feral cat!

DR BETHANY: Don’t worry Mrs Braganza, let him explain. Finlay?

DR TOUCHER: They are your pills, Bethany. They’re meant for you, and you alone!

DR BETHANY: What do you mean? You’re scaring me.

DR TOUCHER: Can’t you see? You are the May Queen, Bethany! You have been selected: you are the flower of Northern womanhood, pure and fair - we have developed these pills especially for you, to realise your full potential as the harbinger of the Age of Natural Reappraisal: these pills will unlock the Godhead code you carry in your unadulterated Hyperborean genes…

DR BETHANY: Finlay you’re insane! Let go of my arm (sounds of struggle) … Mrs Braganza, call the police! 

DR TOUCHER: I’ve never been so sane, Bethany! Come, take the remaining pills, it’s no too late - it’s the only hope we’ve got left….open wide, Bethany…it’s only natural…NATURAL!  Say “aah”…

DR BETHANY screams

FX: loud gunshot, body hits floor, dog yaps

DR BETHANY(shocked): Mrs Braganza! You’ve killed him!

MRS BRAGANZA: Oh dear. I didn’t realise quite how powerful this thing could be…

DR BETHANY: Is that a… musket?

MRS BRAGANZA: Yes, it’s a family heirloom.

DR BETHANY: And you keep gunpowder handy for it?

MRS BRAGANZA: Naturally - it wouldn’t be much use without it. 

DR BETHANY: Poor Finlay! 

MRS BRAGANZA: He was unhinged, it looked as though he was going to murder you. I could tell there was something iffy about him the first time I laid eyes on him. I have excellent intuition, a family trait. I could tell by the way he-

DR BETHANY (slowly and absent-mindedly over Mrs Braganza): He said I was the flower of Northern womanhood… the harbinger of a new age….perhaps he was right…. Finlay was always right…. perhaps I am the May Queen…. must take the pills…. 

FX: intense chanting returns, blending with and eventually giving way to an ambulance siren

PARAMEDIC WOMAN: What’s her name?

PARAMEDIC MAN: We don’t know yet, all she’s told us is that she’s the May Queen and that she needs to get to Avalon; she appears to be in shock. The other lady said something about her being a doctor.

PARAMEDIC WOMAN: Poor love. Let’s get you to hospital.

DR BETHANY(slowly): Avalon…must get to Avalon, close the circle… 

PARAMEDIC WOMAN: Yes dear, right you are: hospital on the way to Avalon. Come along now, let’s get a blanket round you and a drink of water for the May Queen.

FX: Dramatic music

                                                       END