Lobby Derkins

Footballs Today was a blog I wrote for a couple of years until I couldn't be bothered anymore. In my considered opinion it's pretty fucking funny, especially if you keep up with football. I'm still furious it didn't set the blogosphere on fire: http://footballs-today.blogspot.com

DR. BETHANY A 30-minute play for radio Scene one FX: interior ambience DR TOUCHER (with Scots accent): So here we are, madam, here’s your prescription: a wee spoonful of lingonberry extract twice a day, and three drops of zirconium dilute with your meals. That comes to thirty-nine pounds ninety-nine plus the consultation fee, which makes two hundred and thirty-nine pounds and ninety-eight pence altogether.  FEMALE PATIENT:  Gosh, it’s, er… rather more than I’d expected… DR: TOUCHER: Well I’m afraid guaranteed natural, traditional medicine does not come cheap - these products are hand-sourced, not made by factory drones working for Big Pharma, you know. You can’t afford to take your chances with a serious condition such as yours. FEMALE PATIENT: Of course. It’s just that I- DR. TOUCHER (interrupting): Card or cash? FEMALE PATIENT: Oh, er… card. I was saying- DR: TOUCHER: Insert the card here please FEMALE PATIENT: Oh ,so...

VERNON A play for radio by Lobby Derkins Scene One FX: Jangly indie guitar pop music plays, song ends  PRESENTER: And there we have the new single by Brighton band the Sarahs, what a great sound. Next up we have an unusual album by an unusual artist, Vernon P Skelly. Tell us a bit about him. REVIEWER: Vernon P Skelly is a part-time gardener from a little town in Ohio, I think it is, who makes these extraordinary weird cassette recordings of his music in his mother’s kitchen. A local indie label released a tape of his they found in a thrift store, which in turn made its way to Bud Di Baggio, the famous producer. Di Baggio had Vernon travel to New York to record this LP on his label, Proviso Records. Apparently it was the first time he’d ever left his hometown. PRESENTER: Try and describe the music if you can, for our listeners; I understand he plays drums and sings. REVIEWER: Not so much drums as percussion: he beats a cardboard box while he sings - ...